Lately I’ve been really struggling. I want this space online to be a place of openness, honesty, reality – my life isn’t perfect, although the standards I often set for myself and my children often lead me to crash and burn when things don’t go just right. My pride has been getting hit BIG TIME in the last little while, and I’m beginning to realize maybe God’s trying to tell me something.

Ever since I wrote my potty training post for The Humbled Homemaker, we’ve been struggling with our 3 year old completely unraveling in that department. I’m not sure if it’s because of the new baby on the way and she’s seeking attention, or if she’s just too busy playing, or lazy, or what.

We started focusing a lot on “I Am Kind” with our We Choose Virtues character study – and do you think we’ve been able to be kind to each other these last few days? Not much.

I started counting gifts again for the month of June – and it’s been a real struggle to find them every day.

And then there’s my Healthy Pregnancy series where I talked about eating and exercising right, and not stressing out over the stuff you’re missing right away. And I’m still not there yet.

Remember my post about my struggle to put God first, especially during trials, and while feeling so gross in pregnancy – delight yourself in the Lord? Remember that desert and dry place I talked about? Yeah, I’m still on the outskirts of it all. Trying to get there, but kinda more just falling.

And ever since I decided to homeschool through the summer, I’ve come up against barrier after barrier to us making headway – from kids running around like wild animals, to bad attitudes coming out, to me just being plain exhausted and ready to put everyone to bed by 4 pm.

I think I’ve needed to be humbled. To be taken down a few notches. To re-examine my priorities, the things we’ve got going on in our lives, my relationship with my children (cuz right now I’m not a very nice mommy), WHY I’M DOING THINGS?

This morning I read a post from my friend Rebecca on grace and love. In it she talks a bit about her journey to grace. How she first  learned that life is never perfect, no matter how much we plan or desire it to be. How instead of running, she laid her life down at the foot of the cross, and by the grace of God found love for her family.

I’m somewhere in all of this trying to find what the barrier is to this grace that I so desperately need to portray and give to my family. How it is that I cannot seem to be grace-filled around them. Part of my lack of grace is because I have not been seeking grace where it can be found – at Jesus’ feet.

So there I go now. Praying for us all as we seek to give grace by seeking to receive grace – and love – from the one who loves us most.


Counting to 1,000 Gifts:

404. Kids ready for church on their own

405. Church picnic

406. Kids playing games in the heat with friends

407. The morning sun across the sky

408. Little painted toenails

409. Kids’ artwork on the walls

410. Peppermint oil

411. Whole wheat chocolate chip muffins baking

412. Freshly washed hair

413. A full fridge after grocery shopping

414. Snacks brought to small group

415. Purging the house of too much “stuff”