We I had a rough day yesterday. I should have seen it coming. It seems that whenever something is laid upon my heart to blog about, I get absolutely hammered and challenged with that exact same thing quite soon after. Sometimes I can see it coming, and can get a head start on it by crying out to God for help! Other times, like yesterday, I get completely blind-sided by it and start into a spiral which I can’t see to get out of.

Through working through all of the anger, frustration, tears, misaligned priorities, misconstrued goals, bad attitudes and just plain self-reliance, I came to a conclusion.

My plan has not been God’s plan.

My eldest, 6 1/2 year old boy-man, sensitive, stubborn, compassionate, rough, loving, energetic – and exactly like me. We seem to really push each others’ buttons. I’ve been really pushing him lately, and he is struggling. I pushed him ahead in his school by 1 year, and he’s been doing well, until we get to some math ideas this year. Every day this week we have spent 2 hours on his math. Looking back, I should have backed down, should have taken a breather, should have shown more grace. But I was frantic, wanting him to just get it, because I struggled so with math, I don’t want him to be in that same place!

Wham. I failed. We accomplished NOTHING, he remembers NOTHING, we have to repeat the whole week. Frustration and anger sets in. Frustration with myself for not being able to teach the lesson well enough for him to understand it. Anger at him for not just getting it.

I cool off. I try to pray. It takes me the entire day to see what’s going on.

Fear. I am afraid he won’t be quick at math. But hubby says, like potty training, they eventually catch on! One of my best friends who is a great encouragement to me said he’ll learn easily what he needs to learn to get through life, the rest will come if he NEEDS it for a job. Both pointed out in the long run, it’s not what is important.

What is important is that he – they – all of our children – follow God, accept Christ as their Lord and Saviour. HIS PLAN is for us to be on His plan of salvation. And with the way I have been teaching, pressing, I’m making it difficult for my children to see the light of His love through their mommy. God is showing me the path, taking me through the storm out the other side, but I’m sitting down in the middle of it, sticking to my plan, not wanting to move.

In Isaiah 30, the Lord warns Israel of their plans, saying, “Ah, stubborn children,” declares the LORD, “who carry out a plan, but not mine,” (can you believe I read that this morning? I love how God uses his word in my life!); trusting in our own plans alone lead to failure and shame.

Isaiah 30:15 “For thus said the LORD God, the Holy One of Israel, “In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength”. More important than finishing our lessons is for me to return to Him, rest in Him, and show my children how to do that; I want that quietness before Him, that continued trust in Him

Isaiah 30:18 “Therefore the LORD waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the LORD is a God of justice; blessed are those who wait for him.” I am resting in this today, cautious, pursuing His word and His desire for our home and school. We have promised blessing, a straight path, protection, grace, mercy, when we choose to wait on him.

So, with the start of this Canadian Thanksgiving long weekend, I’m taking a much-needed breather. Focusing not on what we need to accomplish with our schoolwork (although that is very important still!) but what needs to be accomplished through grace in MY LIFE and on to my children. I don’t want to miss a moment of loving them for the sake of finishing something.

If we school the whole year through, I’m ok with it, if it means taking a slower pace with our lessons to prevent frustration and explosion. I want to be on His plan for what he has in store for my family; I am willing to go where he takes us, for the sake of my boys, my husband, my daughter, our ministry to others; knowing that only in resting on Him, leaning in on his grace, love and mercy, will I be able to minister to my family.


I’m linking this post up with M.O.B. Society Growing Godly Men.